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Five for Fighting: World

Pain Threshold

There's this twisted concept that some arcade machines have taken: how much pain can you tolerate? OK, so it's not pain necessarily - but I've seen one where you sit on a chair and put each hand on two metal handles attached to the chair's arms. Apparently, a shock is sent through the metal and it intensifies until you let go. I've never done it before, but my question has always been: WHY? why purposely put yourself through that, and why prolong it knowing it's only going to get worse? Now I realize: I'm a hypocrite.

My electric chair? Work, well that's the main one... Some sick factor of human nature takes control and makes me hang on to those handles. I guess what it boils down to is that it's really not about the physical pain you're going through - it's about the mental anguish caused. The chair is more of a test of how strong your mind is and how determined you actually are to hang on.

So why do we do it? Forget about outside pressures, though they are pretty influential, but internally - everyone wants that feeling of success. We feel like if we endure the pain, we'll somehow be rewarded. We'll have the bragging rights of saying "I did it - I made it." No pain, no gain, right? In the end, we'll be better off than before...

But, when it gets worse, why do we hang on? As the pain intensifies, our minds have only one thought: "Things can't possibly get worse." We still want that success, and the more pain we endure, the closer we think we are to the end of it. We twist our perception of "sh*t happens" and add "...for a reason." We thrive on finding out what that reason might be. We build our pain thresholds, and sit in the chair holding the handles, hoping to see the bright light at the end of the tunnel. If we quit now, then our prior efforts to hang on would be completely wasted.

My only question now is: what if there is no reason - are we hanging on to nothing?

"For all the lies I've tasted, Just looking for the truth

For all the dreams I'm chasing , Well what am I to do

When everything's against me

The answers are all wrong

I'm hoping that I'll find out

It was worth it all along..."

- The Calling

Waiting on the world to change...

question for u johnny boy: how long are we suppose to wait?

i know i said changes were coming, and guess what? here are some changes:
1) situation at law firm (to remain unnamed) has worsened
2) the list of people i have complained to about, and who now share part of this headache, has increased
3) my motivation to wake up on weekday mornings has nearly diminished
4) my tolerance for immature behavior, other than my own, has gone down
5) lack of sleep has caught up to me
6) it's getting harder and harder for me to joke around
7) the night-shift concierge at the hotel now knows my name

so maybe this isn't going to be such a good year. The last bad year I had was back in 2000 - that was when i thought the world was going to end as we knew it. Since then, I've kind of been cruising by. Guess maybe then it's my fault for being so extreme. Cuz, dang, it seems like in my life when sh * t hits the fan, it hits hard. People are dropping like flies here, and i'm just trying to plow through. but in the end, will it be worth it? in the end, what am i to expect? this is only the beginning of the year - how low will i go come december?

I was talking about this with someone the other night - life isn't just about wanting the best things you don't have - it's about taking what you have and making the best of it. People would be fools to sit there and just wait for the best to come to them - cuz it ain't happening. you want something done, you do it yourself. what it comes down to is that in the end, no one's out there to look after you - everyone's priority will always be themselves. human nature. don't rely on anyone. do not live your life for the sake of other people. sounds sick and twisted and self-absorbed and obnoxious, etc., but let's face it, it's true. i use to think that if i can help someone, i should. if i can do something to make someone else's life better, then why not? why not? i'll tell you why not - b/c it'll come back and kick you in the behind. it's true what they say: no good deed goes unpunished. people will abuse it. people will constantly expect and want more from you. before you know it, you've wasted effort and time - two things you can never get back, nor have more of. and you know what? in the end, you have no one to blame but yourself.

ok, enough of that. truth of the matter is, i'm tired. just tired of everything. i don't feel like the person i use to be. it's not fair to myself, and it's even more unfair to the people in my life. i don't have the energy i use to have to put up with things. i want to joke around and be the same person i was, but it's impossible. and the worse part is - i just don't know what to do anymore.

Remember three years ago?

"...at least we're breathing. at least we're alive. as long as we're dreaming, everything's gonna be all right..." - Eve 6

back...kinda...

so i've neglected this little bloggy thing. but i'm back. kinda. it's gettin late, so i'm not gonna write a lot. actually, last week i had started a post, but that'll be continued at a later time. lots of things are happening. lots of stuff in and out of work. changes are coming, and though i was never an advocate of change, i'm starting to think any change in my life right now would be more than welcome... more ranting, insight, etc. to come...

"In order that people may be happy in their work, these three things are
needed: They must be fit for it. They must not do too much of it.
And they must have a sense of success in it."

What's that other saying? Three strikes you're out? Looks like i'm out...

Happy New Year!

This is what I feel like:

Against my will, for the first time in a long time I've decided to seek the help of (legal):

This situation is known as:

Hopefully this year brings me a tabula rasa:

HAPPY NEW YEAR! HERE'S TO A BETTER YEAR...