it's that time of year again...

...time to make resolutions which will always be in the back of our minds, but end up being things we'll never get to. my policy: the more u make, the better the chances of achieving one. let's start w/ the easy ones:

1) get in shape. my body's gone to h*ll. i treat it like cr @ p, and the sad part is i know it and i feel it. i'm done w/ the chest pains, i'm done w/ the shoulder issues, the headaches, etc. must be better to my body.

2) get my act together academically/work wise. wth am i doing? i have no direction. I need to decided where i'm going and how i'm going to get there. my whole life has been fooling around until I hit the point of no return where decisions are no longer mine to be made but rather a result of lack of time. time is now the enemy - the longer i go w/o making decisions, the more i waste. need a compass to life - something to make me feel like there's a purpose.

and...

3) improve my social habits. this is perhaps one of the hardest resolutions to keep. i'm tired of making excuses for not keeping in touch w/ ppl. i'm always taking the easy way out - one day turns to two, turns to a month, etc. i feel like i'm writing the same thing i wrote a year ago, so enough. i guess my fear is letting people in. the closer u let someone get to u, the more vulnerable u get. though inevitable, i don't want to feel pain. no one does. i only want happiness. when sh*t hits the fan, i always take the easy way out by ignoring issues and pretending to move on. no more. i have to be willing to take it. no pain, no gain... right? it hurts like h*ll and nobody knows...

well, my mind's shot. it's getting late...

happy new year. here's to a better year.

"...I apologize many times, but I'm human, and I'm selfish. got the feeling I should deal with this, but I'm hiding..."

"...life can be strange. good and bad in so many ways, and in time you will find that things are not always what they seem... well i've got something to say, but you might laugh, joke, or run away, cuz i'm awkward and nervous, sometimes i don't say much at all..."

oldies, but goodies

wcbs.fm is back. i don't care what they say - they play "oldies". as we head toward yet another trough, at least there's music...

"What happened to the world we knew,

when we would dream and scheme, and while the time away...

...Where did it go that yester glow,

when we could feel,

The wheel of life turn our way..."

"...'cause it's a long way down when your hopes are high as mountains, and i am worried that i'm falling..."

question

someone please explain: why is it that the harder you try to forget - the easier it is to remember?

"I am vindicated

I am selfish

I am wrong

I am right

I swear I'm right

I swear I knew it all along

And I am flawed

But I am cleaning up so well

I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself"

7 yrs

7 years - 7 years since I lost an irreplaceable part of my life. Time flies, but somethings I'll never forget. Everyday, something reminds me of you - everyday I wish I had one more day with you... If only I were half the person you were... If only this world were filled with more people like you... If only...

"You cut me down to size and opened up my eyes, made me
realize what i could not see... and I could write a song a hundred miles long,
well, that's where I belong and you belong with me... oh, what good is it to
live, with nothing left to give...."

precious moments

It's amazing how it's so easy to forget what it feels like to be genuinely happy. The only way to remember is to actually have it happen... and when it happens, it's a blessing.

These days we get too caught up in trying to be happy. We try to convince ourselves and others that we're happy. We take any little thing and try to make it a positive, just so we fool ourselves into believing we're happy. Example: "I got my report done today. I'm happy." seriously? not good enough. Example: "I found a quarter." um, if that's all it takes, i'll give you a dollar. Example: "No traffic today" wow, your happiness depends on the number of cars on the road? sad.

Why do we have this desire to think we're happy? why can't we just try to be happy? sometimes i think we get so focused on wanting to be happy that we don't even realize we are, in fact, happy. after all, the grass is always greener on the other side, isn't it? It's always easier to get caught up in the negatives than to acknowledge the positives. don't get me wrong, there are many people out there who are positive people, but for those few people like myself, we're pessimists. we're cynics. we can't possibly believe in 100% good. there's always a catch, there's always a dark side, there's always something wrong, or potentially wrong. we get focused on negatives instead of appreciating the positives that are right in front of us. I keep telling myself i'm done w/ being negative, done w/ turning my back to the good things in life, but it's so hard to do. Human nature is to be stubborn.

We tell ourselves to embrace change, but how many of us can really accept change that easily? Nevertheless, back to the start: The only way to remember is to actually have it happen... and when it happens, it's a blessing. For the first time in a long time, I finally remembered what it was to be happy. To laugh without having to force the smile. It was a liberating moment. Even if just for a few hours - those few hours were refreshing to say the least - almost to the point where it was surreal. Yup, those few hours made me remember why we put up with everything else in life...

"...when it's all too much, and i'm feeling low. when it's all too
much, i need simple things like peace, and i need love, i need all the things
sent from above, i need chocolate cake and lemon pie, i need all the things that
make me smile, i want rain, and i want sunshine, i want all the things sent from
the sky that put a smile upon my face, and make this world a better
place..."

Pursuit of Happyness

wise words from the movie:

smart dad:
"...and it was at that time that I thought about Thomas Jefferson writing that Declaration of Independence. Him saying that we have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I thought about how he knew to put the 'pursuit' in there... like no one can actually have happiness. We can only pursue it."


smart kid:
"Probably means there's a good chance. Possibly means we might or we might not."
"okay."
"So, what does probably mean?"
"It means we have a good chance."
"And what does possibly mean?"
"I know what it means! We're not going to go to the game."

inner turmoil

clearly, a dramatic title for this entry, but hey, it got your attention no?

I hate being like this. I'm not suppose to be sitting here just waitin for everyday to get worse. I'm not suppose to dread waking up in the morning knowing that some part of my life is gonna fall down. I'm not suppose to go to bed at night wondering what's gonna worsen over night. I'm not suppose to be such a downer. I'm not suppose to push things away that seem good, just because deep down inside I'm convinced that there's a catch - that good things always turn bad. There's a big difference between cynicism and being a loser. I have managed to be a cynical loser.

how long does a smile last? how much longer can we hang in without showing it on the outside? not as long as you think. when the anger and frustration that has built up within finally causes you to explode - you better pray that no one you care about is around. b/c you will say things you don't want to, you will do things you never intended to do, and you'll never be able to take it back. at that point you have a decision to make. do you temporarily shutout the rest of the world, or do you let it happen? do you upset people immediately and hope that they'll forgive you for ignoring them? or do you keep going and just keep hoping you won't explode in front of them causing them to hate you forever?

this blog has definitely taken a turn for the worse. maybe i've got S.A.D. (as in, seasonal adjustment disorder). that's it, let's blame the arrival of spring... blame everything but myself - swift. no, but really, this is not suppose to be a blog for misery. so from now, a greater effort will be made to avoid that... turning over a new leaf. or not... guess we'll just have to wait and see.

"...see, i refuse to believe that my life's gonna be a string
of incompletes..."

done.

"If we can't find a way out of these problems

Then maybe we don't need this

Standing face to face

Enemies at war we build defences

And secret hiding places...

More than angry words I hate this silence

It's getting so loud

Well I want to scream

But bitterness has silenced these emotions

It's getting hard to breathe...

I've never been the praying kind

But lately I've been down upon my knees

Not looking for a miracle

Just a reason to believe...

We don't live we exist

We just run through our lives..."

$340 Million

and now, I ask you, what would YOU do if you won the megamillion jackpot tonight? $340 million is a load of money... obviously... u figure, cut it in half to account for taxes - that's $170 million. even if it were cut more for other taxes - u'll definitely be left w/ a good $125+ million. question is, what would you do with it?

i don't like to dream, but heck, who doesn't dream about winning? here's my story:

family first. Everything's gotta be taken care of domestically - distributions will be made to individuals, tuitions will be paid off, bills will be paid, mortgages taken care of... be generous and put that at around $20 million, leaving me with $105 million.

now what? do I quit working? no. now I take a job doing what I ultimately wanted to do. the salary isn't the issue n e more. I do something I am passionate about. something I want to wake up in the morning to. I take the job because I need to stay grounded, because money has a way of getting to people's heads. The money is a luxury, something that can be taken away at anytime. Appreciate it, but don't flaunt it - do not take it for granted. Do not think yourself higher than others because money isn't always power. The ability to influence and contribute to the development of this world is power.

By having a job, I'll remain status quo, assuming I don't change my lifestyle. Thus, I still have $105 million. What now? Well, for one, I go out and buy myself a Wii. yea, that's right. I want a Wii. I haven't gotten into a system since N64, so now's the time to change that. Not just that, but I'll hafta get a new tv to play it on. What other material goods do I buy? Do I start wearing expensive clothing? NO. Instead, I go out and buy every item of clothing I have, in multiples. Shoes, pants, shirts. Everything, and a shed or something to store it in. Again, being generous, that's about a million there... so I now have $104 million.

Real estate. I buy properties around the world and domestically. I buy an apartment here and there. especially in NYC, in London, and in Asia. Taking everything into consideration, including maintenance and repairs, transportation (as in cars), set aside $25 million.

$79 million. What do I do w/ $79 million? Take a chunk of it and invest it. Invest in the stock market, put some in the bank, in bonds. Assume half is taken out and invested, rounding down, I'm left with $39 million.

$39 million, $4 million aside for spending money. $35 million now, still a load of money. Take that money, and do whatever the heck I want to do. Take a trip, take two trips. Take the people you care about out for the time of their lives. Treat people, who deserve things, to the luxurious life they've always wanted. But never, never lose sight of reality. Don't get absorbed in that wad of cash you now sleep in. Use it wisely...

but wth am i wasting time dreaming about things like this? it's called a dream for a reason... who am i trying to fool? like my wise manager said: we're on the titanic, and it's sinking... rapidly...

"i'm sinking to the bottom of my

everything that freaks me out

the lighthouse beam has just run out

i'm cold as cold as cold can be

i want to swim away but don't know how

sometimes it feels just like i'm falling in the ocean

let the waves up take me down

let the hurricane set in motion

let the rain of what i feel right now...come down

let the rain come down "

Monday morning

Words cannot express my lack of motivation. To say that I didn't care, would be an understatement regarding my apathy towards the current situation known as "my life".

My biggest fear is wasting time. You know you've hit a new low when purposely wasting time is actually the best thing you've done with your time. Sounds stupid, I know, but really, there's some sense behind it. Example: Purposely wasting time = Watching The Office; waste of time? no. why? because I spent it exactly how I wanted to, and I enjoyed the time. It's weird, and hard to explain, but if you think about, it will make sense. At least you, yourself, will have appreciated that time you spent lazily sitting in front of the TV, etc. Purposely wasting time isn't my concern here though. Rather, I fear the time that flies by when I do not intentionally waste it.

What becomes of that time you spent with good intentions? That time you spent on other people, other tasks. That time that goes unappreciated. I try to tell myself to do things and expect nothing in return, but what happens when you start making sacrifices? The time and the effort and anything thing else you give up, in order to follow through with your good intentions may as well be kissed goodbye, b/c u'll never get them back. If it's human nature to want more, who's providing more? Where is the fairness in that? Why is it ok for some people to take and take and take, and for others to constantly be taken from? Time is perhaps the most important of natural resources - we have only so much, and more can never be made. Time is the one thing we all want more of, but will never have.

I guess what it boils down to is that life ain't fair. Some people have it all, and want more. Others have nothing, and still manage to keep giving. After all, it is what it is, no? I'm not saying that I am a good samaritan and give up all my time for everyone, because I'm far from that. But, in general, there are those ppl out there who live their lives for the sake of others. Those few ppl who believe that good intentions are, in fact, enough to get them through the day...

Maybe sometimes we have to forget about good intentions. Maybe we have to take a step back and think about ourselves. We have to take a minute to forget about trying to make other people happy and ask ourselves if we are happy. because, what if we're not? Have we not wasted our time?

Good intentions, have not proven enough for me. I surrender. I'm done. I'm done trying to do what I thought was right. I'm done trying to do anything out of my control. I'm done arguing over stupid things. I'm done getting upset over things I will never be able to change. I'm done getting my hopes up high. I'm done with wasting my time and having my time wasted.

what's next?

"I've been thinking about my life lately, and everything feels pretty
planned out. There's no more surprises."

What happens when you hit that point? what happens when you feel like there's nothing left? what happens when you stop caring about what you're doing? what happens when there is nothing to look forward to? What happens when life becomes a game of playing-it-safe?

What then?

Can we ever get back to the way things used to be?

tired of sunset...

one comment: atrocious - life as i know it.

Boston Video

Boston lyrics - Augustana lyrics

Augustana Music Videos

Music Video Codes by VideoCure

"I think I'll start a new life, I think I'll start it over, where no one
knows my name..."

sleepy...

why is it that when ur most exhausted, it's impossible to fall asleep? i kinda fell asleep (but only for a few seconds, i think) in the midst of conversation tonight. that was embarrassing. prior to that though, i snuck away and tried to nap in my gma's room for a half hour before dinner - clearly that did not work. stupid me and the open door policy. i can sleep through the talkin, and i can sleep through the shuffling of mj tiles. but i can't sleep through someone staring at me, or someone poking at me to get up and play hide and seek... family has a way of doing that to u. no matter what, u get up and put on a happy face. life's about trekkin on, isn't it?

n e ways, like i was saying, it's so hard to sleep when ur ready to pass out. at least for me it is. like right now, i'm so freakin tired - yet, my mind just won't go to sleep. this, i believe, may be the onset of narcolepsy...

...zzzzzzzzzzzz...

hotel question

this was the first week since december that I have not spent a single night in the hotel. quite the accomplishment no? having stayed in a hotel so often lately, I have but one question: Why do hotels have white sheets and white towels? If I owned a hotel, I would use some patterned sheets or something. This way it's so distracting that the guest can't tell if it's dirty or not, b/c no matter how much the sheets/towels may have been cleaned, they'll always have some kind of mark or stain or speck on it... gross.

aw man, it's been a long week - time for bed... a clean one...

Year of the Pig

Happy New Year!

burning bridges or losing touch?

Whenever we move on to a new chapter of our lives, we are always at one point or another advised to not "burn our bridges". But, honestly, what is that saying about us?

There's a fine line between "burning bridges" and losing touch. I'll admit, if there's one thing I was ever good at, it'd be losing touch. Hands down, no questions asked, I am the queen of not being able to keep in contact with people. And, trust me, I'm not bragging about this. It's an awful trait that I've tried time and time again to drop, unsuccessfully. There are so many people I wish I had continued to reach out to, that I never did. One day turns into two, two days turn into a week, which turns into a month, and before you know it, years have gone by. The sad part is that you never intended for it to happen - you develop relationships that are priceless, bonds that you thought would never break. Was it a waste of time? Of course not, if you could relive those moments, there would be no hesitation. The thing about losing touch though, is that you know if you ever managed to get back in touch, chances are you'd be able to resume that same friendship that you had to begin with. Sure, over the years people change, but at the core, we'll all still be the same people we were. It might be awkward at first, but over time, that same bond can redevelop. Oddly enough, the strongest bonds actually never go away. Though limited, there are those few people in your life who you can actually go for extended periods of time without contact, and the minute you begin talking to them if feels like you've never been apart. Those are the relationships you should recognize and appreciate the most. When you lose touch with someone, you never actually forget that person. They'll never disappear from your life, and there's always hope that one day you will once again make that effort to rebuild the relationship, personal or even professional, you once had.

Now, back to burning bridges. Burning bridges is when you destroy any hope for any further contact - when there is a parting on bad terms. Why would we do that? Because maybe we never cared in the first place. Sometimes people leave a job they hate so much that they could care less if they ever have anything to do with the company again. In other cases, people have enemies that they never want to have any future association with. Why, then, if our feelings of dislike are so strong, should we not burn that bridge? Again, what is that saying about us? Should we really hold onto something we feel so against? Human nature has this awful component called "selfishness". Often, we'll do anything to help ourselves. We'll forge relationships, if we know we'll benefit from them. In school, we were all told the importance of "networking". Come on, no one is that dumb. "Networking" is just a nice way of saying "using", almost synonymous with "not burning bridges." Honestly, networking events always made me feel nauseous. Watching people fake their enthusiasm, pretending to be interested, when deep down you know that they could care less. At the end of the day, for these people, all they really care about is what's in it for them. How can you feel good about yourself after pulling an act like that... unless you were in the drama school of course... Not burning a bridge is just a continuation of networking - it's just dragging on a relationship that was never there to begin with. The feeling has to be genuine to matter. If that "bridge" were real, and you built it with the intention of never letting it fall, then why the h*ll would you burn it?

I don't really know what the point of the ramblings above were. I guess I'm just tired of seeing people get used and abused. Lately I've been hearing a lot of the "don't burn your bridges" stuff, so I guess that triggered something. And frankly, whoever is reading this, if we were ever close, then let it be known, I never meant to lose touch. Hopefully, one of these days I'll get my act together and make that effort to reach out once again.

"...Stay away from me
Cause I'll be gone soon
It's just so hard to let go once we've grabbed hold
It's nothing that you've done
You're not the only one
I'm just learning to be in twenty-three places
And I'm falling off the face of the earth
Crashing into bridges I burn
And I'm falling off the face of the earth
But I'll be home soon
Is this how the story goes
When rubber meets the road
Waving goodbye is so hard without hello..."

History starts now

Five for Fighting: World

Pain Threshold

There's this twisted concept that some arcade machines have taken: how much pain can you tolerate? OK, so it's not pain necessarily - but I've seen one where you sit on a chair and put each hand on two metal handles attached to the chair's arms. Apparently, a shock is sent through the metal and it intensifies until you let go. I've never done it before, but my question has always been: WHY? why purposely put yourself through that, and why prolong it knowing it's only going to get worse? Now I realize: I'm a hypocrite.

My electric chair? Work, well that's the main one... Some sick factor of human nature takes control and makes me hang on to those handles. I guess what it boils down to is that it's really not about the physical pain you're going through - it's about the mental anguish caused. The chair is more of a test of how strong your mind is and how determined you actually are to hang on.

So why do we do it? Forget about outside pressures, though they are pretty influential, but internally - everyone wants that feeling of success. We feel like if we endure the pain, we'll somehow be rewarded. We'll have the bragging rights of saying "I did it - I made it." No pain, no gain, right? In the end, we'll be better off than before...

But, when it gets worse, why do we hang on? As the pain intensifies, our minds have only one thought: "Things can't possibly get worse." We still want that success, and the more pain we endure, the closer we think we are to the end of it. We twist our perception of "sh*t happens" and add "...for a reason." We thrive on finding out what that reason might be. We build our pain thresholds, and sit in the chair holding the handles, hoping to see the bright light at the end of the tunnel. If we quit now, then our prior efforts to hang on would be completely wasted.

My only question now is: what if there is no reason - are we hanging on to nothing?

"For all the lies I've tasted, Just looking for the truth

For all the dreams I'm chasing , Well what am I to do

When everything's against me

The answers are all wrong

I'm hoping that I'll find out

It was worth it all along..."

- The Calling

Waiting on the world to change...

question for u johnny boy: how long are we suppose to wait?

i know i said changes were coming, and guess what? here are some changes:
1) situation at law firm (to remain unnamed) has worsened
2) the list of people i have complained to about, and who now share part of this headache, has increased
3) my motivation to wake up on weekday mornings has nearly diminished
4) my tolerance for immature behavior, other than my own, has gone down
5) lack of sleep has caught up to me
6) it's getting harder and harder for me to joke around
7) the night-shift concierge at the hotel now knows my name

so maybe this isn't going to be such a good year. The last bad year I had was back in 2000 - that was when i thought the world was going to end as we knew it. Since then, I've kind of been cruising by. Guess maybe then it's my fault for being so extreme. Cuz, dang, it seems like in my life when sh * t hits the fan, it hits hard. People are dropping like flies here, and i'm just trying to plow through. but in the end, will it be worth it? in the end, what am i to expect? this is only the beginning of the year - how low will i go come december?

I was talking about this with someone the other night - life isn't just about wanting the best things you don't have - it's about taking what you have and making the best of it. People would be fools to sit there and just wait for the best to come to them - cuz it ain't happening. you want something done, you do it yourself. what it comes down to is that in the end, no one's out there to look after you - everyone's priority will always be themselves. human nature. don't rely on anyone. do not live your life for the sake of other people. sounds sick and twisted and self-absorbed and obnoxious, etc., but let's face it, it's true. i use to think that if i can help someone, i should. if i can do something to make someone else's life better, then why not? why not? i'll tell you why not - b/c it'll come back and kick you in the behind. it's true what they say: no good deed goes unpunished. people will abuse it. people will constantly expect and want more from you. before you know it, you've wasted effort and time - two things you can never get back, nor have more of. and you know what? in the end, you have no one to blame but yourself.

ok, enough of that. truth of the matter is, i'm tired. just tired of everything. i don't feel like the person i use to be. it's not fair to myself, and it's even more unfair to the people in my life. i don't have the energy i use to have to put up with things. i want to joke around and be the same person i was, but it's impossible. and the worse part is - i just don't know what to do anymore.

Remember three years ago?

"...at least we're breathing. at least we're alive. as long as we're dreaming, everything's gonna be all right..." - Eve 6

back...kinda...

so i've neglected this little bloggy thing. but i'm back. kinda. it's gettin late, so i'm not gonna write a lot. actually, last week i had started a post, but that'll be continued at a later time. lots of things are happening. lots of stuff in and out of work. changes are coming, and though i was never an advocate of change, i'm starting to think any change in my life right now would be more than welcome... more ranting, insight, etc. to come...

"In order that people may be happy in their work, these three things are
needed: They must be fit for it. They must not do too much of it.
And they must have a sense of success in it."

What's that other saying? Three strikes you're out? Looks like i'm out...

Happy New Year!

This is what I feel like:

Against my will, for the first time in a long time I've decided to seek the help of (legal):

This situation is known as:

Hopefully this year brings me a tabula rasa:

HAPPY NEW YEAR! HERE'S TO A BETTER YEAR...