Saturday, January 20, 2007

Waiting on the world to change...

question for u johnny boy: how long are we suppose to wait?

i know i said changes were coming, and guess what? here are some changes:
1) situation at law firm (to remain unnamed) has worsened
2) the list of people i have complained to about, and who now share part of this headache, has increased
3) my motivation to wake up on weekday mornings has nearly diminished
4) my tolerance for immature behavior, other than my own, has gone down
5) lack of sleep has caught up to me
6) it's getting harder and harder for me to joke around
7) the night-shift concierge at the hotel now knows my name

so maybe this isn't going to be such a good year. The last bad year I had was back in 2000 - that was when i thought the world was going to end as we knew it. Since then, I've kind of been cruising by. Guess maybe then it's my fault for being so extreme. Cuz, dang, it seems like in my life when sh * t hits the fan, it hits hard. People are dropping like flies here, and i'm just trying to plow through. but in the end, will it be worth it? in the end, what am i to expect? this is only the beginning of the year - how low will i go come december?

I was talking about this with someone the other night - life isn't just about wanting the best things you don't have - it's about taking what you have and making the best of it. People would be fools to sit there and just wait for the best to come to them - cuz it ain't happening. you want something done, you do it yourself. what it comes down to is that in the end, no one's out there to look after you - everyone's priority will always be themselves. human nature. don't rely on anyone. do not live your life for the sake of other people. sounds sick and twisted and self-absorbed and obnoxious, etc., but let's face it, it's true. i use to think that if i can help someone, i should. if i can do something to make someone else's life better, then why not? why not? i'll tell you why not - b/c it'll come back and kick you in the behind. it's true what they say: no good deed goes unpunished. people will abuse it. people will constantly expect and want more from you. before you know it, you've wasted effort and time - two things you can never get back, nor have more of. and you know what? in the end, you have no one to blame but yourself.

ok, enough of that. truth of the matter is, i'm tired. just tired of everything. i don't feel like the person i use to be. it's not fair to myself, and it's even more unfair to the people in my life. i don't have the energy i use to have to put up with things. i want to joke around and be the same person i was, but it's impossible. and the worse part is - i just don't know what to do anymore.

Remember three years ago?

" least we're breathing. at least we're alive. as long as we're dreaming, everything's gonna be all right..." - Eve 6

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