inner turmoil

clearly, a dramatic title for this entry, but hey, it got your attention no?

I hate being like this. I'm not suppose to be sitting here just waitin for everyday to get worse. I'm not suppose to dread waking up in the morning knowing that some part of my life is gonna fall down. I'm not suppose to go to bed at night wondering what's gonna worsen over night. I'm not suppose to be such a downer. I'm not suppose to push things away that seem good, just because deep down inside I'm convinced that there's a catch - that good things always turn bad. There's a big difference between cynicism and being a loser. I have managed to be a cynical loser.

how long does a smile last? how much longer can we hang in without showing it on the outside? not as long as you think. when the anger and frustration that has built up within finally causes you to explode - you better pray that no one you care about is around. b/c you will say things you don't want to, you will do things you never intended to do, and you'll never be able to take it back. at that point you have a decision to make. do you temporarily shutout the rest of the world, or do you let it happen? do you upset people immediately and hope that they'll forgive you for ignoring them? or do you keep going and just keep hoping you won't explode in front of them causing them to hate you forever?

this blog has definitely taken a turn for the worse. maybe i've got S.A.D. (as in, seasonal adjustment disorder). that's it, let's blame the arrival of spring... blame everything but myself - swift. no, but really, this is not suppose to be a blog for misery. so from now, a greater effort will be made to avoid that... turning over a new leaf. or not... guess we'll just have to wait and see.

"...see, i refuse to believe that my life's gonna be a string
of incompletes..."

done.

"If we can't find a way out of these problems

Then maybe we don't need this

Standing face to face

Enemies at war we build defences

And secret hiding places...

More than angry words I hate this silence

It's getting so loud

Well I want to scream

But bitterness has silenced these emotions

It's getting hard to breathe...

I've never been the praying kind

But lately I've been down upon my knees

Not looking for a miracle

Just a reason to believe...

We don't live we exist

We just run through our lives..."

$340 Million

and now, I ask you, what would YOU do if you won the megamillion jackpot tonight? $340 million is a load of money... obviously... u figure, cut it in half to account for taxes - that's $170 million. even if it were cut more for other taxes - u'll definitely be left w/ a good $125+ million. question is, what would you do with it?

i don't like to dream, but heck, who doesn't dream about winning? here's my story:

family first. Everything's gotta be taken care of domestically - distributions will be made to individuals, tuitions will be paid off, bills will be paid, mortgages taken care of... be generous and put that at around $20 million, leaving me with $105 million.

now what? do I quit working? no. now I take a job doing what I ultimately wanted to do. the salary isn't the issue n e more. I do something I am passionate about. something I want to wake up in the morning to. I take the job because I need to stay grounded, because money has a way of getting to people's heads. The money is a luxury, something that can be taken away at anytime. Appreciate it, but don't flaunt it - do not take it for granted. Do not think yourself higher than others because money isn't always power. The ability to influence and contribute to the development of this world is power.

By having a job, I'll remain status quo, assuming I don't change my lifestyle. Thus, I still have $105 million. What now? Well, for one, I go out and buy myself a Wii. yea, that's right. I want a Wii. I haven't gotten into a system since N64, so now's the time to change that. Not just that, but I'll hafta get a new tv to play it on. What other material goods do I buy? Do I start wearing expensive clothing? NO. Instead, I go out and buy every item of clothing I have, in multiples. Shoes, pants, shirts. Everything, and a shed or something to store it in. Again, being generous, that's about a million there... so I now have $104 million.

Real estate. I buy properties around the world and domestically. I buy an apartment here and there. especially in NYC, in London, and in Asia. Taking everything into consideration, including maintenance and repairs, transportation (as in cars), set aside $25 million.

$79 million. What do I do w/ $79 million? Take a chunk of it and invest it. Invest in the stock market, put some in the bank, in bonds. Assume half is taken out and invested, rounding down, I'm left with $39 million.

$39 million, $4 million aside for spending money. $35 million now, still a load of money. Take that money, and do whatever the heck I want to do. Take a trip, take two trips. Take the people you care about out for the time of their lives. Treat people, who deserve things, to the luxurious life they've always wanted. But never, never lose sight of reality. Don't get absorbed in that wad of cash you now sleep in. Use it wisely...

but wth am i wasting time dreaming about things like this? it's called a dream for a reason... who am i trying to fool? like my wise manager said: we're on the titanic, and it's sinking... rapidly...

"i'm sinking to the bottom of my

everything that freaks me out

the lighthouse beam has just run out

i'm cold as cold as cold can be

i want to swim away but don't know how

sometimes it feels just like i'm falling in the ocean

let the waves up take me down

let the hurricane set in motion

let the rain of what i feel right now...come down

let the rain come down "

Monday morning

Words cannot express my lack of motivation. To say that I didn't care, would be an understatement regarding my apathy towards the current situation known as "my life".

My biggest fear is wasting time. You know you've hit a new low when purposely wasting time is actually the best thing you've done with your time. Sounds stupid, I know, but really, there's some sense behind it. Example: Purposely wasting time = Watching The Office; waste of time? no. why? because I spent it exactly how I wanted to, and I enjoyed the time. It's weird, and hard to explain, but if you think about, it will make sense. At least you, yourself, will have appreciated that time you spent lazily sitting in front of the TV, etc. Purposely wasting time isn't my concern here though. Rather, I fear the time that flies by when I do not intentionally waste it.

What becomes of that time you spent with good intentions? That time you spent on other people, other tasks. That time that goes unappreciated. I try to tell myself to do things and expect nothing in return, but what happens when you start making sacrifices? The time and the effort and anything thing else you give up, in order to follow through with your good intentions may as well be kissed goodbye, b/c u'll never get them back. If it's human nature to want more, who's providing more? Where is the fairness in that? Why is it ok for some people to take and take and take, and for others to constantly be taken from? Time is perhaps the most important of natural resources - we have only so much, and more can never be made. Time is the one thing we all want more of, but will never have.

I guess what it boils down to is that life ain't fair. Some people have it all, and want more. Others have nothing, and still manage to keep giving. After all, it is what it is, no? I'm not saying that I am a good samaritan and give up all my time for everyone, because I'm far from that. But, in general, there are those ppl out there who live their lives for the sake of others. Those few ppl who believe that good intentions are, in fact, enough to get them through the day...

Maybe sometimes we have to forget about good intentions. Maybe we have to take a step back and think about ourselves. We have to take a minute to forget about trying to make other people happy and ask ourselves if we are happy. because, what if we're not? Have we not wasted our time?

Good intentions, have not proven enough for me. I surrender. I'm done. I'm done trying to do what I thought was right. I'm done trying to do anything out of my control. I'm done arguing over stupid things. I'm done getting upset over things I will never be able to change. I'm done getting my hopes up high. I'm done with wasting my time and having my time wasted.

what's next?

"I've been thinking about my life lately, and everything feels pretty
planned out. There's no more surprises."

What happens when you hit that point? what happens when you feel like there's nothing left? what happens when you stop caring about what you're doing? what happens when there is nothing to look forward to? What happens when life becomes a game of playing-it-safe?

What then?

Can we ever get back to the way things used to be?