Monday, March 5, 2007

Monday morning

Words cannot express my lack of motivation. To say that I didn't care, would be an understatement regarding my apathy towards the current situation known as "my life".

My biggest fear is wasting time. You know you've hit a new low when purposely wasting time is actually the best thing you've done with your time. Sounds stupid, I know, but really, there's some sense behind it. Example: Purposely wasting time = Watching The Office; waste of time? no. why? because I spent it exactly how I wanted to, and I enjoyed the time. It's weird, and hard to explain, but if you think about, it will make sense. At least you, yourself, will have appreciated that time you spent lazily sitting in front of the TV, etc. Purposely wasting time isn't my concern here though. Rather, I fear the time that flies by when I do not intentionally waste it.

What becomes of that time you spent with good intentions? That time you spent on other people, other tasks. That time that goes unappreciated. I try to tell myself to do things and expect nothing in return, but what happens when you start making sacrifices? The time and the effort and anything thing else you give up, in order to follow through with your good intentions may as well be kissed goodbye, b/c u'll never get them back. If it's human nature to want more, who's providing more? Where is the fairness in that? Why is it ok for some people to take and take and take, and for others to constantly be taken from? Time is perhaps the most important of natural resources - we have only so much, and more can never be made. Time is the one thing we all want more of, but will never have.

I guess what it boils down to is that life ain't fair. Some people have it all, and want more. Others have nothing, and still manage to keep giving. After all, it is what it is, no? I'm not saying that I am a good samaritan and give up all my time for everyone, because I'm far from that. But, in general, there are those ppl out there who live their lives for the sake of others. Those few ppl who believe that good intentions are, in fact, enough to get them through the day...

Maybe sometimes we have to forget about good intentions. Maybe we have to take a step back and think about ourselves. We have to take a minute to forget about trying to make other people happy and ask ourselves if we are happy. because, what if we're not? Have we not wasted our time?

Good intentions, have not proven enough for me. I surrender. I'm done. I'm done trying to do what I thought was right. I'm done trying to do anything out of my control. I'm done arguing over stupid things. I'm done getting upset over things I will never be able to change. I'm done getting my hopes up high. I'm done with wasting my time and having my time wasted.

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