Thursday, March 22, 2007

inner turmoil

clearly, a dramatic title for this entry, but hey, it got your attention no?

I hate being like this. I'm not suppose to be sitting here just waitin for everyday to get worse. I'm not suppose to dread waking up in the morning knowing that some part of my life is gonna fall down. I'm not suppose to go to bed at night wondering what's gonna worsen over night. I'm not suppose to be such a downer. I'm not suppose to push things away that seem good, just because deep down inside I'm convinced that there's a catch - that good things always turn bad. There's a big difference between cynicism and being a loser. I have managed to be a cynical loser.

how long does a smile last? how much longer can we hang in without showing it on the outside? not as long as you think. when the anger and frustration that has built up within finally causes you to explode - you better pray that no one you care about is around. b/c you will say things you don't want to, you will do things you never intended to do, and you'll never be able to take it back. at that point you have a decision to make. do you temporarily shutout the rest of the world, or do you let it happen? do you upset people immediately and hope that they'll forgive you for ignoring them? or do you keep going and just keep hoping you won't explode in front of them causing them to hate you forever?

this blog has definitely taken a turn for the worse. maybe i've got S.A.D. (as in, seasonal adjustment disorder). that's it, let's blame the arrival of spring... blame everything but myself - swift. no, but really, this is not suppose to be a blog for misery. so from now, a greater effort will be made to avoid that... turning over a new leaf. or not... guess we'll just have to wait and see.

"...see, i refuse to believe that my life's gonna be a string
of incompletes..."

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